This is my time

 I have a second job.

I fix. That is what I do. I know I can do it well. I know I am a source of advice and calm. I also know that while I am able to fix others, I am often left void. I can fix others, therefore I cannot fix myself.

I understand that I am a complicated individual. That cant be helped. I, me, she a product of a dead father and a absentee mother. I was raised by an abuser, one who used her hands to convey her emotions. Often I was the target. This forced me to grow up so fast, I had to think on my toes. I had to figure things out and take care of myself.

A childhood is something I never had. I don't remember a time where I never worried, planned or made sure things were in place for myself. I only had me.

These emotions were never dealt with. They reside in me. They are a part of who I am. No one believed in me, or encouraged me. No one told me I could be whatever I wanted.

There are those who fold and those who hold. I held.

So, there is this illusion that I have it all together, that I have all the answers. I don't. I don't have the capability to accept help from others, or rely on others. My husband does not like this side of me. I was taught to only rely on myself. I learned early on that sad emotions are signs of weakness. I keep it in. I learned how to be a chameleon to adapt and survive.

I find myself in the position of adviser among some of the women in my life. I feel an obligation to them, they need me and I am there, often robbing myself of needed healing. I feel that I have to give them this part of me. I cant explain it.

I have never been mothered, so the desire for a mother is always lingering. I cant be mothered. It's too late. Yet I find the need for someone to guide me, someone who knows that I am capable of vulnerability to hear me. I am surrounded by people, yet I am utterly alone.

Alone in the sense that those who lean on me for emotional support are incapable of providing it to me. They cannot help me and I don't want it from them. The person who I want to provide this is not capable. She has needs of her own, so where does that leave me?

While I cant have all the answers to my own life, I have decided that I don't have the answers for anyone else. I am only human. I am imperfect. I have needs that go ignored so I can be in service of others.

No more. No more.

I will focus on me, make me a better person, learn to fix me, invest in me, believe in me, lift me, cherish me, love me. This is my time.