Risk

There are times when I want to feel connected to other people, but my past experiences make we not want to get invested.  Sometimes, I need a little company, but most of the time, I cant be bothered. There is a risk. I don't like risk. I like security. I like the known, not the unknown. I don't like the maybe, or the perhaps.

Alot of my childhood was suspended in the unknown.

I didn't know if I would ever truly make it out of the hell that was my existence. I never knew when I would get the next beating. I never knew when I would be allowed to wear clean clothes to school. I didn't know if I would ever get friends. I didnt know if I would ever have a loving and attentive parent.  I didnt know.

I spent alot of time training myself to keep my emotions at bay. Now, I dont know how to show them appropriately. It can be perceived as hardened or not caring. I do care, I just dont know how to express it.

I hate the feeling of vulnerability. I will never show this.
Crying is something I reserve for certain people. This is under control.
Laughing comes easy. Even if the situation is grim. Laughter is my friend.
I am at most time poker faced.

Not good when you need to take the risk of meeting someone new. I have to learn how to open up and show people who I am without the fear of someone taking advantage of me. I need to take the risk.