Marriage Files: Setting Up House

Martha Stewart & Feng Shui rules need not apply.

Have you ever wondered how you ended up in a place of resentment, unhappiness and entertaining thoughts of a new existence with a new person? Many of us, deep into the excitement of a future with someone, forget the key components to setting up house. The new wife, so eager to please and prove her worth will often bite of more than she can chew. She will be in Performance mode, as I like to call it.

Performance Mode
During performance mode, the wife oftentimes take on all the household/domestic duties, cater to her husband without tire, keep up her body while holding down a full-time job. When/if the kids come, she will launch into supermommy mode while keeping house and maintaining a full-time job. Many of her peers will ask, how do you keep it all together? Her husband will say that she is a keeper, her mother in law will perhaps praise her for her efforts to keep a great house. These little affirmations will recharge her battery pack for up to ten years.

The Breakdown
One day, she will look around her and take a tally of all of the chores she has for the day. She will notice the imbalance of responsibilities. She will notice that she has keep up with the bills, take care of the kids, work, cook, clean house, and be a wife, daughter, friend, mother and she will ask herself: Who am I and what the hell have I gotten myself into.

The Blame Game
She starts to resent her husband. She looks at her children with disdain.She starts to blame herself for not doing things differently. There are more arguments. There may be a divorce.

The Shift.
This is where you can reclaim your life. Its not over.If your partner cares, he will notice that you are unhappy. This is your time to VERBALIZE what is going on. Tell him that you have alot of responsibilities and it is wearing on you. Tell him that the house would run smoothly if there was a divide in responsibilities. Tell him that you need some time for rediscovery. During this time, take a class, join a social group, write a journal, talk to friends. Reclaim your life. This may not bode well with the spouse. He may be ok with the arrangement because he really didn't have to adjust a thing in the relationship. He got married and immediately started reaping the benefits.

How to set up house:

Establish household responsibilities early on in the marriage. Divide cooking responsibilities and chores  in relation to the home. A wife should never mother her husband and a husband should never take the role of son to his wife.  Its very easy to fall into this pattern within a relationship, but its only a set up for trouble ahead. If at any time you need a husband aka a man who has only relied on you, you wont get what you're expecting. You will have crippled him.

Keep your hobbies & friends. Don't abandon your loves and delve your entire self into your marriage unless it it causes a conflict. You'll need something enjoyable to decompress from when things get too heavy. During the Breakdown, many women often wonder why they quit something or abandoned it during Performance Mode.

To be continued.