Marriage Files: Setting Up House

Martha Stewart & Feng Shui rules need not apply.

Have you ever wondered how you ended up in a place of resentment, unhappiness and entertaining thoughts of a new existence with a new person? Many of us, deep into the excitement of a future with someone, forget the key components to setting up house. The new wife, so eager to please and prove her worth will often bite of more than she can chew. She will be in Performance mode, as I like to call it.

Performance Mode
During performance mode, the wife oftentimes take on all the household/domestic duties, cater to her husband without tire, keep up her body while holding down a full-time job. When/if the kids come, she will launch into supermommy mode while keeping house and maintaining a full-time job. Many of her peers will ask, how do you keep it all together? Her husband will say that she is a keeper, her mother in law will perhaps praise her for her efforts to keep a great house. These little affirmations will recharge her battery pack for up to ten years.

The Breakdown
One day, she will look around her and take a tally of all of the chores she has for the day. She will notice the imbalance of responsibilities. She will notice that she has keep up with the bills, take care of the kids, work, cook, clean house, and be a wife, daughter, friend, mother and she will ask herself: Who am I and what the hell have I gotten myself into.

The Blame Game
She starts to resent her husband. She looks at her children with disdain.She starts to blame herself for not doing things differently. There are more arguments. There may be a divorce.

The Shift.
This is where you can reclaim your life. Its not over.If your partner cares, he will notice that you are unhappy. This is your time to VERBALIZE what is going on. Tell him that you have alot of responsibilities and it is wearing on you. Tell him that the house would run smoothly if there was a divide in responsibilities. Tell him that you need some time for rediscovery. During this time, take a class, join a social group, write a journal, talk to friends. Reclaim your life. This may not bode well with the spouse. He may be ok with the arrangement because he really didn't have to adjust a thing in the relationship. He got married and immediately started reaping the benefits.

How to set up house:

Establish household responsibilities early on in the marriage. Divide cooking responsibilities and chores  in relation to the home. A wife should never mother her husband and a husband should never take the role of son to his wife.  Its very easy to fall into this pattern within a relationship, but its only a set up for trouble ahead. If at any time you need a husband aka a man who has only relied on you, you wont get what you're expecting. You will have crippled him.

Keep your hobbies & friends. Don't abandon your loves and delve your entire self into your marriage unless it it causes a conflict. You'll need something enjoyable to decompress from when things get too heavy. During the Breakdown, many women often wonder why they quit something or abandoned it during Performance Mode.

To be continued.

Marriage Files: Unconditional Love

Does unconditional love exist within a marriage? NO & you are a fool if you think it does.

I have seen the disasters that befall those who believe in unconditional love:

Who are they?

• Abused spouses who do nothing to fix the situation (some people don't even know they're being abused sadly). 
• People who allowed to say and do anything with no consequence. 
• Passive aggressive people who don't know how to resolve conflict because to argue or to defend oneself would be detrimental to a relationship. 
• People who lash out instead of reaching out when there is a misunderstanding.  

Love, between adults, should have many conditions.

I like to call the understanding between spouses The Dance. My husband and I have learned our dance. We have been practicing this dance for many years. This year will be our 17th year together. While we don't have all the answers,we do know this:  We love each other with these three  conditions:

Respect, Honor & Consideration: The Dance


Sounds simple, but many, many people cannot translate these terms into their relationships

Respect me: To view me as an autonomous unique individual with feelings. Regard my feelings as valid, speak to me as an equal and someone who is worthy of your best speech. Consider me your counterpart instead of your way to attain something or gain something.

Honor me: Have high regard for me as a person. Believe that I am someone who enriches and enhances your life. Keeps my secrets and never speaks ill of me in public or private.  Uphold my reputation as honorable.

Consider me: Pray for me as you would yourself, care for me as you would yourself, Clothe me as you would yourself, Feed me as you would yourself. Protect me as you would yourself. Support my goals and aspirations. Help me as I grow in this world.

With these conditions met, my counterpart will get all of my love. Thus the dance is performed. My counterpart will be reciprocated in all that he does. With these conditions our love is beautiful, pure and rich.

How could any relationship be healthy if even one of these components is missing? How can two partners dance is one of them is missing the steps? How can we thrive if the honor is gone? How could I live with someone who didn't respect me? How could I raise a family with someone is selfish, jealous and isn't considerate?

Its quite easy to fall into this trap.

Many times a woman will get caught in a web that doesn't allow her any room to grow. She will do many things to be that perfect someone for the wrong person. At the same time, the man has to make no real adjustments (read more about setting up the house here)

Property of Pensive Muslimah. Please link back and credit the author when re-posting.

Goodbye March, Hello April

March was one of the most trying months of my life. I think I have been sick most of this month, spending too much time in the hospital, this test, that test, this xray. So many questions, not enough answers. I feel a little better this week and hopeful that these latest lab results give us answers.  

My oldest is going through puberty and has a bit of a rebellious streak when it comes to his schoolwork. Lots of meetings with his teachers. Lots of doctor appointments. Lots of talks.

My mother prepares for another surgery to repair her ankle. Then decided to postpone the surgery. During this time, I am making preparations to care for her. 

The day after, my oldest gets the flu, then my youngest.

Lets not mention the pending orders, looming regulations, laws and financial woes of sustaining a business all by yourself.

But, it's not all about me. The saddest part of March.....

My good friend had to go to the Dominican Republic recently due to her sisters medical emergency. Her sister unfortunately died from surgical complications a few days ago. May Allah forgive her of her sins and ease the hardship and sadness of her family. 

I pray for my friend. I pray that she finds the strength to endure this immense tragedy.

March....

I look forward to a better April.

I want to spend April catching up with friends, studying a little and relaxing. I am working overtime in order not to have to work as hard in the future. 

I am hopeful. I have no other choice.

Finally Letting Go

After much trepidation, I decided to let someone go. It was gnawing at me for sometime, but I know when I have reached my limit.

I believe the breakdown of this relationship happened when I was removed from category of friend and placed in a box. I was categorized as someone to handle trauma or someone to call when the poop hits the fan.

Once the tragedy is over, I am no longer needed.

I hate one-sided relationships.

Fortunately, everyone has the capacity to decide how much abuse he or she will take. I decided that I will not be used. I have let go.

I am free. I am happy & because I let you go at the right time, I dont hate you. I wish you all the best.

Sister from another mother & father

I was never blessed to have blood sisters, but I don't feel any different.

Time

How many times can a man turn his head and pretend that he just doesn't see? A man hears what he wants to hear, and disregards the rest. Disregard and pretend. The cycle will never end.

So much to do, So little time.

I have some big projects underway but alot of things are setting me back. So many little things, so many big things. So many things.

Most computers, when they are overloaded with files and tasks, need to be defragmented. Unfortunately humans don't have that function. I need that little defragment pill. Any sellers?

Anyway, My company is undergoing a MAJOR overhaul. Everything is about to change and the one thing holding me back is finances. I have funded my own business from the ground up and that has led to slow growth. The potential is there, but the money is not.

It's hard, given my restrictions, to get a loan from a traditional bank. Its also difficult to woo angel investors.

I am stepping out on a leap of faith and doing something that I never thought I would do....